Now that all the guys in the house are having a well-deserved nap, I thought I'd write a quick update while the sweet potatoes, carrots and Yukon Gold potato are baking downstairs. Earlier today I shredded some lamb that I simmered for 2.5 hours last night, when I also made the butternut squash and pears. Earlier in the week, I made the apples, pork, quinoa, prunes, apricots and corn (the last three with my darling husband's help) and in two days hence I will prep the avocados and bananas. This whole cycle will repeat in about 10 days.
Good News: Food trials are going well and we haven't had another acute reaction!
Bad News: Keeping every safe food in the diet every day is tough, leaving me with very little free time (another reason I haven't posted!).
Good News: I decided, after we re-trained Matthew using full extinction (so, so difficult, but it took only a day or two) to reduce his Total Wake Time down from 10.5 h to 10.25 h and he immediately started having less night wakings!!! He's almost slept through the night, just a short cry here or there. For three nights in a row this past week, I actually feel like I slept!
Bad News: I had nightmares each of those nights. One involved me holding Matthew, walking through the house, while the burners on the stove would suddenly all be turned to high. Then the laundry machines turned on. Then the kettle. I kept turning things off, but they would turn back on by themselves. In another, when I looked through my cell phone camera, I would see scary things that weren't actually there. A person coming through a doorway, screaming and charging at me for instance - but when I lowered the camera, there was nothing there. I'm sure my dad would have interesting interpretations of those dreams.
Good News: I recognized that I needed help and started seeing a couple of people at Mt. Sinai's Perinatal Mental Health Unit. Being the people-pleasing person that I am, I am trying to over-achieve and get an A+ in my post-partum anxiety therapy. Some of the goals I've succeeded in attaining for this past month were to:
- go out on a date night with darling hubby. We left after Matthew was asleep and returned within an hour and a half.
- ask other moms/dads who are understanding of FPIES (so, basically, other FPIES parents) if we can try to organize a meet-up. I did ask, but nothing materialized, though I'll try again.
- interview for a baby-sitter (um, what? I am supposed to leave my baby with someone else???)
Bad News: My intrusive thoughts don't seem to be waning, and sometimes my worrying seems to be increasing. We hadn't even walked a block on our date night when I started talking about Matthew's diet, planned trial foods, and my indecision about how to trial egg, wheat and dairy.
Good News: Over the last couple of weeks, I have treated myself to two massages after Matthew has gone to bed.
Bad News: The massages were required after I injured my back and could barely move without wincing. Oddly, darling hubby simultaneously injured his back in the same manner, but on the opposite side, so we were both fairly incapacitated during the same time.
Good News: I started planning Matthew's first birthday! Darling hubby really wants a cake smash, even though I think it's too trendy. But, I've gone ahead and ordered an inexpensive cake smash outfit and am researching ideas for cakes. But it will all depend on if we pass eggs, wheat and dairy.
Bad News: I have lost some sleep trying to determine if we can safely serve food to the guests without risking Matthew's safety. Perhaps I should just have a short party with no food?
Good News: I have been working towards taking Matthew to one family-type event outside of the house once a month, but it's difficult for me, when I only feel safe leaving the house with darling hubby. In July we visited my grand-aunt, who is 93. It was amazing, as her daughter vacuumed and mopped the floors before we arrived, kept all the food in the kitchen and away from the living room where Matthew stayed, and even took of her lipstick. I was so grateful to have a positive experience where someone didn't roll their eyes at me or think I was over-reacting. I was so grateful she gave me the gift of not having to worry for a couple of hours, and most importantly Matthew could be free to explore as he liked.
Bad News: I am trying to get the nerve up to go to one event in August and one in September, but those will have many people and I'm not sure how to keep him safe - either I hold him the entire time, or I literally follow him, cleaning crumbs and relentlessly washing my hands the entire time and asking others to do the same. I am doubting if we should go - would it be reckless of me? What if he has a reaction? Either way, I'll be nervous the entire time. And certainly, I think a lot about people's negative reactions to my own anxiety. Why do I care so much what others think of me? Why do I need to justify myself to them? I only care about Matthew's safety, and my job is to keep him safe.
Good News: I baked for Matthew for the first time today! We are trialing baked whole eggs so I made coconut flour donut holes (minus the cinnamon or topping). He successfully had half a donut hole today, so essentially 1/12 of an egg.
Bad News: none so far! I like to end on a happy note!
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